Camaraderie Cuts Both Ways
By Senior Deputy Keith Walmsley (ret)
“United – We Stand, Divided – We Fall”
The very thing I cherish most about my 21+ year career in Law Enforcement, is also the very thing which hurts most. I’ve always believed that LE is a profession that chooses YOU, not the other way around. It’s truly a Calling, and bless everyone who answers that Call.
March 19th marked the 12 year anniversary of the LOD loss of my Brother and former partner, Ricky Delfiorentino. 12 years is ample time for people to get over most things, but I have tears in my eyes just writing that sentence. He was a big man with a bigger heart, and he touched the lives of every single person he ever met. He was literally an unforgettable presence, a center that so many revolved around. I only worked with Ricky for 5 years on the Mendocino Coast, but he continues to be a presence in the lives of my family and I to this day.
Working for a rural agency can be challenging and, as many others, I sought greener pastures with another agency. Even working several hours away, the bonds you form with your partners during the trials of the Job, endure. I remain close with many of the Brothers and Sisters I have worked with.
I had been working at my new agency for 4 years when a Brother of mine who still worked in Mendocino called to tell me about Ricky. I was crushed. My grief was enormous. This was quickly followed by an all-encompassing rage at the (insert your own expletive here) who took him from all of us. I’ve never committed that name to my memory, because he doesn’t deserve to be in the same thoughts as Ricky. He also died at the scene.
The following days included Ricky’s Memorial Service, which was as majestic and heartbreaking as you’d expect. The days following that, included everyone returning to their duties, Protecting and Serving, Representing and Enforcing. For me, I also went back to work, but with a Ride-Along…
I was the only Deputy working in a small, upscale, contract-town with my new agency. I hit the street with my Ride-Along, which was the rage, sorrow, and overwhelming survivor’s guilt of having lost someone I loved. I was in full uniform, driving around town, crying in my patrol car. The unlucky recipient was my first traffic stop, a little old lady who did not come to a complete stop at a stop sign. I would call it more of a detonation than a citizen contact, and my tirade was volcanic.
Immediately following that stop, I returned to the office and called my Sergeant. I informed him that he was likely to receive a citizen complaint, and that it was 100% founded. He understood what I was dealing with, and told me to just go home. I didn’t have to be there. My response? “My other Brothers don’t get a day off. Why do I deserve one?’
What I was avoiding was the fact that I was not dealing with my loss well, and even more importantly, that I didn’t know HOW to deal with it. As LE Officers, we are expected to control every situation, handle every problem, and look good doing it, maintaining a courageous calm in the midst of chaos.
I displayed a strong face to others while, inside, I was reeling, drowning, suffering. This manifested as my Ride-Along, and doom on anyone who crossed my path! At this particular time, it should not be surprising that I was also in marriage counseling. During a session, my Ride-Along let my ex-wife have it during an exchange, and thankfully our therapist recognized the anguish I was in and stopped the session.
Our therapist did not let me off of the hook. He told me that he would work with me individually, or refer me to another therapist for solo grief counseling, but I absolutely needed more help.
This is really the thrust of this writing. LE is a difficult job to do and not everyone can do it. I’ve always been proud of that, to be a Spartan, a true Warrior against Evil and Injustice, but I’ve never seen a Spartan cry, have you? There is an expectation that we as cops are tough (and we are) and a stigma that tough guys don’t ask for help because they don’t need it. This is just not the case. Think of any call where you called for back-up…
Back-up is essential to our jobs, and also in our lives outside of uniform. Take advantage of Employee Assistance Programs or Peer Support groups when available. They are there because you are not the first or last Officer who needs it. There is no shame in asking for assistance. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re still Human. Think of the suicide rate among our fellow Officers and returning Veterans. Please, call for back-up when you need it!
The therapist I was referred to was actually a former cop, so he was uniquely qualified to help me compartmentalize my grief over losing Ricky. I still live with his loss, but learned how to function in spite of it. I was able to show up for my family, my partners, and my community again, not letting that POS effectively end my life too on that day. I was able to experience “Post Traumatic Growth”, which is something I had never even considered was a possibility. I was able to incorporate the lessons I learned into other traumatic events I’ve experienced since then, and you can too.
I am relatively new to the concept of Stoicism, but I practice it every day and it has helped me identify and deal with the stressors in my life. I feel lighter and much more confident knowing that I can handle future problems, and that I have back-up if I need it.
While writing this, I came across something that Leo Tolstoy wrote: “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
Please remember that you are not alone and have hundreds of thousands of Brothers and Sisters who’ve got your back.
Thank you for reading and Stay Safe.
K. Walmsley
